Nuclear attack? I’m pre-radiated!

5/9/22

Today I want to talk to you all about the lingering effects of cancer treatment, specifically radiation. It digs deep down into your core and corrupts your entire body. When combined with chemotherapy it can rip the very soul from your body. I felt every bit of that when I went through my second 5 day dose during week 5.

Now the treatments are over and my physical body is shattered, a mere shadow of my former self. My most recent weigh in was 168, up 8 pounds total from my 160 scare that almost put me on a feeding tube. I literally missed my cut off mark at 159 by a shake weight. My skin is loose and taut at the same time. I have burn marks in various places and sores have left terrible scars.

I’m completely feeble. The weakness I experience on a daily basis is mentally detrimental. I don’t even have the ability to do a single push up and squatting down can lead to getting stuck on the ground.

My hands shake and my eye sight had deteriorated. I’ve lost a tooth and I no longer have the physical ability to run. I have aged so much during this process that I stopped dying my beard because I finally am starting to look my age. I’ll be 50 this year but I feel much older.

This morning after another sleepless night I left my house at 6 AM and started walking. I went to a dealership and looked at a car. I stopped in 7-11 and bought some things. I continued walking for 75 minutes total forcing myself to go on even though I was physically done after the first 15 minutes. One hour later I’m back home waking my kids up for school and preparing breakfast. When they all had gone I collapsed.

This is single handedly the most difficult experience I’ve ever faced in my life and although it’s completely overbearing most of the time I REFUSE to give up. As broken as I currently am I’m determined to fix myself and at the very least regain some of who I’ve always been. When you see me in person you might not recognize me. But know that I’m still here, still fighting, still moving forward. I will beat this and you will get to witness my triumph.